Death - The Difficult Questions



Artwork by Sarah Byng 

The path of death is not a lonely one, should you choose to share the burden.

The hard questions. Well what do I mean by hard questions? Well these are the questions that we skirt around or avoid talking about on the topic of death. 

Death is one of the hardest things to talk about. Just the mention of death in a conversation and it will stop very quickly. I think the topic has been swept under the carpet so much over the generations, that most people don't even know why it is morbid. Whilst I understand this avoidance stance on discussing death, isn't it one of the most important things to happen in our life? Discussing death gives us a sense that things will not last and could give us the jolt into the present moment some of us may need. Making us do the things that we really want to do, for ourselves, family or others. 

So how do we discuss these hard questions? Well to start with, speak to someone you know a friend or relative. Maybe ask them if they ever think about death. See what their reaction is and take it from there. If as time goes on they become more open to the topic, maybe you can ask and probe more. This way, you'll be able to learn how to subtly bring this into a conversation. This kind of thing is best done on a one to one basis as the more people around the more social norms feel imposed and the person may not want to open up. When they do open up, check that they are ok for you to note things down and always be aware of their emotional state as you don't want to upset them. The conversation needs to be free flowing and not forced. Trust your instinct, if it feels right it probably is.  

Below are some questions that you can ask:

When you die, would you like to donate your organs? If yes, no need to worry as people are now auto-enrolled in the UK, and this will happen at the time of death. But if not, they now need to opt out, this can be done online. None the less it's worth the dying person informing friends and relatives, in an emergency (I pray this doesn't happen to anyone) they may need to inform the relevant people of the dying persons preference on this topic.

If you were involved in an accident and were unconscious, what standard of living would you accept and what wouldn't you be prepared to live with? This question is important, a doctor could ask you if the emergency procedure offered is acceptable (they may advise you of the risk and possible outcomes of the procedure). By knowing what the person would be happy living with or wouldn't be happy with, you can make a good decision on what is best for them while they are unable to inform the doctors. 

If you had the choice where would you like to die? I think most people would rather die at home in familiar surroundings over a hospitals or hospices, but it is always good to know. If you are not able to chose where you are, then it's also worth knowing what items might bring them comfort in the hospital or hospice. This could be your favourite blanket, family photos, art piece, or a religious statute. Sometimes the smallest of things can really bring comfort at a very difficult time.

If you know you are dying, who would you like around you, if there is a choice? This is helpful as the person can advise who they would like and most importantly who they wouldn't like there. The dying person should die as comfortable as possible, without any possible unnecessary conflict from a family member. 

What kind of funeral would you like? Burial, cremation or some new way to handle the remains? Simple service or big service? Location of service and the wake. Would you like a living funeral where you have it while still alive? What type of coffin would you like? Would you prefer not to be embalmed as it is not very environmentally friendly?

These are just a few of the questions you could ask, and I'm sure you'll find other great questions as you start the conversation. I hope this post helps encourage you to start the conversation, as it can really make a difficult time just a little easier and may even prevent a family feud over what they each think you would like. 

Happy chatting!

 


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